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exfido

Joined: 04 Jun 2008
Posts: 159
Location: Timmins Ontario
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Age: 64

PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 03:41    Post subject: TO ALL MY 'NUTTY' FRIENDS  

Have a fabulous STRESS FREE Day!
Thought for the day
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
Pee on it and walk away.

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exfido

Joined: 04 Jun 2008
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Location: Timmins Ontario
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Age: 64

PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 03:56    Post subject: THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER  

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says,
'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.


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exfido

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Posts: 159
Location: Timmins Ontario
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Age: 64

PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 03:57    Post subject: Little Johnny's at it again…  

new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After
a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!'


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exfido

Joined: 04 Jun 2008
Posts: 159
Location: Timmins Ontario
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Age: 64

PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 03:58    Post subject: UPS guy  

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'


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Plasmo_TSGK
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 04:00    Post subject: Re: UPS guy  

exfido wrote:
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'




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exfido

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Location: Timmins Ontario
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Age: 64

PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 21:02    Post subject: Happy Easter!!!  

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.



He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops,
turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves,

hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says..



(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

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StonedCabbage
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 22:25    Post subject:  

lol Cool
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exfido

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 05:59    Post subject: Ethel  

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!'

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krazimu
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 13:46    Post subject:  

LOL Laughing
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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 19:40    Post subject:  

When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser.

Well I chose to name my dog "Sex".

But lately Sex has been a little embarassing to me.

I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him.

I went up to the clerk and said "I would like to have a license for Sex".

He said he would like to have one too.

I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old".

He said I must have been quite a kid.

Last year they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on dog food.

I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part.

But suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio.

I went after him, but the crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing there.

I told him I was hoping to have Sex on TV.

He called me a showoff.

One day Sex ran out on me in the middle of the night.

I went around the neighbourhood looking for him.

A cop came and asked what I was doing.

I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up this Friday...

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 20:10    Post subject:  

Lol n1 Zog
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Lawitz
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 04:09    Post subject:  

A man comes to the pet shop and stops beside a parrot that has little strings attached to his legs. Wondering about their use he calls for the shop owner who comes and explains: if you pull his right leg he will say "hello" and if you pull the left one he will say "good night". Amazed at this he tries it out and like promised the parrot says his phrases. But then the man asks "But what will happen if I pull both strings at the same time?" "Then I´ll fall down you idiot!" the parrot answers.
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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 02:53    Post subject:  

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow .

"I hear tell all you Scotch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big
booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other, and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."

No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"

"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky.

The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American.

The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in
again."

"Eh? oh aye" says the Glasgow man pocketing the bills,

"Ah went tae the pub across the road, just tae make sure ah could dae it
first"

...................

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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 21:59    Post subject:  

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

Shocked

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Xmeagol
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2009 17:10    Post subject:  

This finally gets stickied!

Cool
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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 02:10    Post subject:  

Winter Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, 28th November 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks..

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
.......................................... Sad

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krazimu
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 14:15    Post subject:  

I signed up for class #14 Cool
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Shimmy_TSGK
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 14:36    Post subject:  

Class #4 will do me some good, Thank you for the ad Zog.
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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 11:26    Post subject:  

Ever find yourself having to send a card to sombody you don't realy like?
Its so difficult to find one with the right message in it. It's twee at best and given sentiment you might actually feel damn right hypocritical. I normall buy a blank card and compose my own verse.
Here are some suggestion for the everyday happenings you may be obliged to send a card for ~

My tyre was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tyre...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry.

------

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

------

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'

------

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

------

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

------

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

------

Happy birthday!

You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

------

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

------

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?

------

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

------

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

------

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

------

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 21:48    Post subject:  

Apologys to blonds.

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents. So the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Ooh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"

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exfido

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 05:33    Post subject: Making Childbirth Easier  

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to
the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both
very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters,
explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt
fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain
transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this,
they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was
obviously helping out is wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the mailman was dead on their
porch


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exfido

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 05:42    Post subject: stick  

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man join them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy!"
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up!"

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exfido

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 05:44    Post subject: 9 WORDS WOMEN USE  

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in
fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about
nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she
says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at
all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(Cool Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F--- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to #3.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 05:55    Post subject: GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE  

Neil Armstrong
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, 'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.'

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOW

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

'SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!'


TRUE STORY

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 16:39    Post subject:  

A man had two of the best seats at the FA Cup final.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...







"No. They're all at the funeral."

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gtamike_TSGK
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 18:21    Post subject:  

lol Zog Laughing
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maeggs


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 00:49    Post subject:  

i love this thread keep it up Very Happy
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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 15:45    Post subject:  

An Aussie joke. (Mrs Zog is in Oz at the moment) Smile

Kevin the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?
The judges not only awarded Kevin the“No Bell Piece Prize’ but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?.............

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exfido

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 05:46    Post subject: "Black is in!"  

-----------------------------------------------------------------
The most powerful politician in the world is Black.
The head of the Republican National Committee is Black.
The best known media mogul on earth is Black.
The greatest golfer in the world is Black.
The top female tennis players in the world are Black.
The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.
The fastest racing driver in the world is Black.
The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.
The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black.
The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black.
The fastest human on the planet is Black.
... Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.



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[S-UK] Squidward

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 09:41    Post subject: Re: "Black is in!"  

exfido wrote:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The most powerful politician in the world is Black.
The head of the Republican National Committee is Black.
The best known media mogul on earth is Black.
The greatest golfer in the world is Black.
The top female tennis players in the world are Black.
The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.
The fastest racing driver in the world is Black.
The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.
The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black.
The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black.
The fastest human on the planet is Black.
... Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.




lol someone sent me that the other day.... i chuckled lots
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