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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 19:36    Post subject:  

GREAT STUFF keep them comming and we want to hear from more of you. (BTW nice one Diet)
......................................................................................................

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by
hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a
small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact,
that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees
the old abbot.


The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He
sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "
R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
father?"


With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEB R ATE!!!"

........................................................................................................

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The Borg_TSGK
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 21:14    Post subject:  

Clear Instructions


----- There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 11:33    Post subject:  

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in heaven.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

'Since you're a woman,' the doctor said, 'your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?' She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 17:18    Post subject:  

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his
head that said: 'Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality.


Whispering......



Dave.......




Dave.......




Dave.......





Dave........




........you're a vet!!!!

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:39    Post subject:  

Samuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Months later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Samuel. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine."? asked the lawyer. Samuel responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I just put my hound (dog) into the...

"I didn't ask for details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just simply answer the question"
"Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.' ?"
Samuel again said, "Well, I just got my dog into the car and was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, A am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. I believe that he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Samuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog."
Samuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, like I was saying, I just loaded my dog , My loving hound, into the car and was driving with him down the highway, when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my car right on the side. I was thrown into a ditch and dog was thrown into a ditch on the other side. I was hurting badly and I couldn't move. However, I heard my dog moaning and groaning and I knew he was in bad shape just by his groans. Then a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear my dog moaning and groaning and he went over to him. After he looked at him he took out his gun and shoots him dead."

" Then the Patrolman comes across the road with the gun in his hand, and looks at me and says, "How are you feeling?"

Now Judge, what would you say?"

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 15:29    Post subject:  

Judge Judy ________________________________
Is this the best quote of the decade, or what?

Judge Judy to prostitute: 'When did you realize you were raped?"


Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced"

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 05:44    Post subject: Couple in their nineties  

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 05:46    Post subject: This is a true story  

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be fucked!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 05:52    Post subject: WHERE WOULD YOU BE:  

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS OR PETS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



Well...... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!

YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FU**ingHOUSE!

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 11:13    Post subject:  

Our six nations countrymen will understand this ~

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth
wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a
special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years'


The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wigan.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 15:24    Post subject:  

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Park Themes and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.....

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 17:43    Post subject:  

he could have saved the money and sent her to get liposuction Razz
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 20:31    Post subject:  

Shimmy_TSGK wrote:
he could have saved the money and sent her to get liposuction Razz


that leaves scars, just borrow next door neighbours irish wolve hound and tell her to walk the dog Cool

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 05:36    Post subject: This guy was lonely  

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some
discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug),
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar
for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you
like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?

But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him
a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting
his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in
there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink
with me?


YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE
THIS.....


A little voice came out of the box:
'I heard you the first time!


I'm putting my f**king shoes on!'

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:05    Post subject:  

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the
singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad.. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about
it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his
voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than
$10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Any night you want."

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 05:58    Post subject: Grandma still drives, bless her!  

Grandma's letter.
She is eighty years old and still drives her own car.
She writes: Dear Grandson
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an
uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed it changed. I found that there are a lot of people who love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,' For the love of God! Lady Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from
Florida back there because I h eard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back
seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst
out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the
light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers! and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 17:03    Post subject:  

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a ú10,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.


Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow ú10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)


(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 17:10    Post subject:  

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

(scroll down)












































"but his face rings a bell"



WAIT! WAIT! There's moreů

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."























( . . . Wait for it . . .. )



















( .. . . It's worth it . . ..)






















He's a dead ringer for his brother.
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 18:28    Post subject:  

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.




Your loving daughter,

Sheila

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 19:37    Post subject:  

lol some more funnies Cool
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 00:49    Post subject:  

really laughed hard at the last one Laughing keep em coming Smile
(i for myself dont know any jokes i cant remember them after a while..)
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 05:36    Post subject: Three Hillbillies  

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.

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exfido

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 05:42    Post subject: Best Canadian Joke of the Year  

A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?' She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'


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exfido

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 20:24    Post subject: What a sweetheart !!!‏  

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When
she went before
the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she
replied that she was
hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied
6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment
the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something.
He said, "What is it?"
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 21:09    Post subject:  

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Diet H2O_TSGK
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 14:08    Post subject:  

Two brothers Jack and Paddy from Cavan (a county in Ireland with a reputation for being mean with money)
Paddy dies
Jack rings the newspaper wanting to buy an obituary
Newspaper says "that will cost Ç50 euro"
Jack says, "Jaysus, have ye anything cheaper?"
Newspaper says "well we could sell you five words for Ç10"
Jack says "Grand, I'll take it"
Newspaper says "what do you want to say"?
Jack says.... "Paddy's Dead. Car for sale."

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 00:57    Post subject:  

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 71 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh..

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .
And that's when I shot him ............ the little bastard.

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Last edited by Zog Ecosse on Mon Apr 06, 2009 01:05; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 01:02    Post subject:  

Apologies to our overseas readers who are not au fait with soccer and also to Scousers (wtf you can change to any team you like)

.......................................................................................................

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, ' Mary , why didn't you
raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. ' Mary , why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

..........................................................................................................

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 02:23    Post subject:  

Rolling Eyes im a Villa Fan Cool
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 18:46    Post subject:  

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked: 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said: 'Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6pm and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered: 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked: 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied: 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying: 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

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