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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 16:01    Post subject:  

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 21:29    Post subject:  

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the
year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife wa supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 21:24    Post subject:  

So, Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"






To which Murphy replies,"Well if they fell forwards they'd still be in the f**kin' boat!"

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 30, 2009 17:47    Post subject:  

Subject: The pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil ....You don't even have to
be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually
she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell meMary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,
'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...
'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 06:32    Post subject: Burglar  

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Bow Wow

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 16:30    Post subject:  

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season'
Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 21:47    Post subject:  

Lets see you translate this sober

A'm jist a poor wee fairy,
On tap o' the Christmas Tree.
It's no' a job I fancy,
Well how would you like tae be me?

Aw tarted up wi' tinsel,
It's enough to mak ye boak.
Plus a couple o' jaggy branches
Rammed right up yer froack.

An' these wee lights a' roon me,
Ach! I canna get my sleep.
An' then there's the yearly visit
Frae auld Santa - fat pervert creep!

On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here,
While you're a' wirin' in.
An' naebody says "Hey you up there.
Could you go a slug o' gin?"

It's nae joke bein' a fairy,
At times the joab's beyond belief.
I HATE goin' roon' the wean's beds
Tae lift their rotten teeth!

But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets,
Mind, I've mentioned only some.
The worst has to be, being stuck up a tree,
Wi' pine needles up yir bum!

When a' the fairies meet again,
By the light of' the silvery moon.
Ye can aye tell the Christmas anes,
Poor things jist canny sit doon!

I know the tree's a bonny sight,
As the firelight softly flickers.
But think o' me! I'm stuck up here,
Wi' needles in my knickers!!

So, soon as Christmas time's right by,
An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer.
I'll get awa back tae Fairyland
'Suppose I'll see yous lot next year?!

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 10, 2009 21:31    Post subject:  

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 10, 2009 21:47    Post subject:  

6 REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN.......

1. You can trade an old 45 for a 22;

2. You can admire a friends gun & he'll let you try it;

3. Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo;

4. Guns function normally everyday;

5. A Gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it;

And the best one........

6. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 03:52    Post subject:  

Laughing

I liked the last one, I can use that Laughing

Its a lot better than spamming the shout box m8 ~

At lest it proves some of us can type a whole sentence Cool

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 11:11    Post subject:  

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no
legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you
getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black
baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns
everything else"

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and
haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken
jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted
decking on the patio

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is
to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

A vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel
in my room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick
bastard"

A mate of mine has just told me he's having sex with his girlfriend and her
twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a
moustache!"

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the
symptoms to me". "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg
is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new
hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?",
I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 10:48    Post subject:  

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in New York were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 21:22    Post subject:  

ENJOY!!

The sharing of marriage.....

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the o ld woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)



















'THE TEETH.'

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 11:04    Post subject:  

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
Boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50,
they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 13:43    Post subject:  

Christmas Cop

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says "Yeah."

The cop says "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $60.00 infringement notice.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick under the horse, instead of on top."

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 13:46    Post subject:  

Mother Superior
The wise old Mother Superior from the convent in Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then, one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. She returned to the Mother Superior's bed and held the glass to her pale, bloodless lips. Mother took a little sip, then a little more. Before they knew it, she'd drank the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nun asked in earnest, "Please give us a word of wisdom before you leave us to go to your well-deserved reward."
The stricken Mother painfully raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow!"

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 08, 2010 22:45    Post subject:  

Forgetter Be Forgotten?
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 13:29    Post subject:  

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.


The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: 'Is that one word, or two?'

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 17:11    Post subject:  

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

>


>


>



Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 06:46    Post subject: Old I know  

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I was standing in front
of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are
too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's
not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then
every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper
and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my
breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you
really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every
day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your
ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he
may even walk again, although he will probably continue to
take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.

Bow :O_O

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 08:04    Post subject: couple for u ZOG Three Hillbillies  

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.


Bow Wow

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 08:06    Post subject: I know you are going to look.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXxRjC5C7e8



I know you are going to look.



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PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 08:07    Post subject: Pond  

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2009.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/07 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2009? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS
Bow Wow

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exfido

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 08:09    Post subject: donkey  

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop , so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . .
even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!
Have a great day!
Bow Wow

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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 13:03    Post subject:  

A Shetland man is drinking in a bar in the Highlands when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces,his wife has just produced a typical Shetland baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Shetland man just shrugs,


"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Shetland baby boy.."

Two weeks later the Shetland man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,


"Say, you're the father of that typical Shetland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?


Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now?

"The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds.


"The bartender is puzzled, and concerned.


"What happened?


He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Shetland babies father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,


"I had him circumcised".

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 12:30    Post subject:  

Three guys, more than a little inebriated, are chatting at the bar and one
says, "If you were to give your wife an Indian name, what will it be?

I'll start: I'd call my wife 'White Feather' because she is as light as a
feather."

The second guy says, "I'd call my wife 'White Cloud' because she is as
beautiful as a cloud in the sky."

The third guy says, "I'd call my wife 'Four Horses.'"

"Four Horses?" Wonder the other two guys. "Why?"

Third guy: "Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag."

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 14:17    Post subject:  

This has got to be one of the best I have seen for a while ~
untitled.JPG
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 22:03    Post subject:  

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland . One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.
I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 14:54    Post subject:  

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor seemed to have failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where the hell have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
She carried on and on and on and ever on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he silently poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered. It was the Justice Department and they told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news..
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 21:54    Post subject:  

ha ha, if i was slightly more intelligent i would have got that last paragraph on my first read Embarassed Embarassed Laughing Laughing
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