TSGK Clan Forum

[exfido]

We Must Stop This Immediately
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror..
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

[Zog Ecosse]

I took my dog to the movies, and a man came up to me as we were leaving and said:
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your
dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved
nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like
crazy at the funny parts."

I replied, "And what's your point?"

"Well," he said, "I'm just very surprised to see something that. It's very
unusual."



"Oh, yes," I said, "I agree. He hated the book."

[Zog Ecosse]

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan


Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he goes to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck hs head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

[exfido]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - "What did you learn from this demonstration???"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

[exfido]

Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis
and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe
you're supposed to put that patch on your
arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working
just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

***IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

[Zog Ecosse]

If you receive an email warning about catching swine flu from tinned pork, please disregard immediatly as they have been found out to be ......






wait for it......

























SPAM emails

[Zog Ecosse]

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the country he was searching for one.

A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh, went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate his skills. The Chinese Samurai also opened matchbox, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh, went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 small pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whooooosh, Whooooosh. But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled. "Well," he replied, "circumcision is not meant to kill."

[exfido]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back..'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''



The teacher fainted.

[exfido]

Cat in the hat

[exfido]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
"I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair!

[exfido]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop , so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . .
even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!
Have a great day!

[Zog Ecosse]

One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled
up beside him and the window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of
lollies if you get in the car", said the driver. "No way, get stuffed",
replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the
driver. "I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50 eh?", quizzed the driver,
still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not
getting in the fricken car"! answered the boy.

"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of
lollies, the driver offered". "NO", screamed the boy."What will it take
to get you in the car"? Asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it"!

[Zog Ecosse]

A Jewish man walked into a Chinese restaurant one day and placed his
order. While he was waiting for his food to be prepared, he struck up a
conversation with the old Chinese man who was the proprietor of the
shop.

The conversation turned to culture and knowledge.

"I am intrigued by how wise your people are," the Jewish man said.

"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old.
But you Jews are a very wise people too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

"That's impossible!" the Chinese man replied.

"Why do you say that?" asked the Jewish man.

"Because that simply can't be!" replied the Chinese man. "Where would
your people have eaten for the first thousand years?"

[exfido]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.
'Hunting Flies’ He responded.
'Oh! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

[krazimu]

Heheh

[Zog Ecosse]

Yes that was a good un. I recycled it a few times

and ...... it got laughs

[exfido]

Ex Fido ask the waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to Exfido
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, Exfido decided to compose one of his own. I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my
several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and San Francisco , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in
my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back.'

[Zog Ecosse]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'Well,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are moaning and screaming. Finally they both collapse, panting, upon the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying there recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back in order. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So,as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, but manages 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[Zog Ecosse]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling,
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it,
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!' ".
"I don't remember much after that."

[Zog Ecosse]

Lancashire council decided to hire 4 canibals as part of their ethnic diversity policy, the personel officer welcomed them to the roads department and informed them of their wages pensions and other benifits.
"the only other thing" he said was "don't eat any of the other employees please"
"No worries" said the canibals "we wont"
Things were going along just fine and after their first month the personel officer came to see how they were getting on, and let them know they were going to be kept on permanently.
Before he left them he said " there is just one thing, one of our road sweepers has gone missing you haven't seen him have you"
The canibals assured him they had no idea where there road sweeper was.
After the PO left the head canibal turned to the others and said "OK who eat the road sweeper?"
one of them raised his hand "I did"
"Well bloody hell you just had to eat a road sweeper didn't you, we've been eating traffic management engineers for 4 weeks now and nobody noticed a bloody thing but you have to go and eat somebody useful"

[Zog Ecosse]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him
occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping
him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her
seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold
of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at
first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

[exfido]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.. One day, the girls
decided
that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After
all, she
never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went
home
early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when
she got to her bedroom,20she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly
and
quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in
bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her
house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
with
them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[exfido]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs.Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs.Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs.Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[Zog Ecosse]

exfido,I thought you had gone ito hibernation
I had not heard the first one and it is good enough to recycle elsewere.

[Zog Ecosse]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking
slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we
learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical
students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't
agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two
fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought........ But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS....... But I was wrong, too!"

[Zog Ecosse]

This is a good one, chose your own politicians ~

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling
and David Milliband. They're asking for a £10 million ransom,
otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol, and set them
on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

[Zog Ecosse]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex..

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet

someone and you both have sex until you are

blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner

for a short time and you are so needy you will

have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner

for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and

you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex..

* This is when you have been with your partner

for too long. When you pass each other in the

hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun

in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex..

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any

more.. She takes you to court and screws you

in front of everyone.


And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month.

But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME

WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own

[Zog Ecosse]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi.. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi.................
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'


Zoggy left the Treasury and joined the Home Office, UKBA.

[Zog Ecosse]

IRISH SAUSAGES



Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.


Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.


They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[Lawitz]

not sure if this was posted, found this in german on my hdd, here is the translation:

Police control

a policeman stops a car that was speeding.

policeman: your drivers license please.
driver: I don´t have one. they took it away for driving drunk.
policeman: can I at least see the cars papers?
driver: its not my car, I stole it.
policeman: what, this car is stolen?
driver: exactly! but if I remember right I saw the papers in the glovebox when I put my gun there.
policeman: you have a gun in your glove box?
driver: yes officer. I put it there after killing the owner of the car and putting her body in the trunk.
policeman: you have a body in your trunk?
driver: yes like I told you.

now in panic the policeman calls the police department for backup. the car gets surrounded and the chief policeman approaches the car to settle the situation.

chief: can I see your drivers license?
driver: sure, no problem! here!
chief: who does this car belong to?
driver: its mine. here are the cars papers.

the chief checks it and it really belongs to the man

chief: please slowly open your glove box now so that I can see the weapon.
driver: no problem, but what do you mean with weapon?

obviously there is no weapon in the glove box

chief: can you now open the trunk? I´ve been told that there is a dead body.
driver: no problem!

the trunk is opened and empty

chief: I don´t get it, the policeman that stopped you said you have no drivers license, this car was stolen, you have a weapon in the glove box and there is a dead body in the trunk...

driver: ...and I bet this liar also told you I drove too fast.