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 Forum index » TSGK General » Fun Stuff
Thread for jokes?
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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 14:22    Post subject:  Thread for jokes?  

Perhaps all would be comedians can consider starting a thread for jokes alone within "Fun Stuff? This would save spamming the Fun Stuff general with jokes. I.E. post all jokes as replies under a generic heading. Question

Enough of this - thats boring

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil …
Satan: ‘Why so glum?'

Guy: ‘What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: ‘Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: ‘Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: ‘Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: ‘Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: ‘You a smoker?'

Guy: ‘You better believe it'

Satan: ‘All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: ‘Wow … that's awesome!'

Satan: ‘I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: ‘Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: ‘Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: ‘Cool!'

Satan: ‘What about drugs?'

Guy: ‘Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean …?'

Satan: ‘That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: ‘Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: ‘You gay?'

Guy: ‘No…'

Satan: ‘Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough …

...........................................................................................................

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 15:15    Post subject:  

looool thats a good one Laughing Laughing
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 18:28    Post subject:  

hahah Very Happy I remember one joke about hell . Here's how it goes [ Self translate sorry ] Laughing

A guy goes to hell .
Satan: " so, you're my slave now and you will be punished. "

Guy : " you're kidding right? "

Satan : " okay ill give you some options you decide where to be tortured."

Satan and the guy go on a tour of the torture chambers

Satan : " okay, this is the first room"

Satan opens the door and people in there are hung upside down and they get beaten with sticks by Imps.

Guys : " i think ill pass on this one,i think."

Satan comes to the next door and opens it. And there people get slaps every 2-5 seconds on the face.

Guy : " I guess its not bad , but ill pass on this option aswell."

And thay go to the next door.

Satan opens it and the guy sees that people in there just stand and smoke, but the room is fludded with poop to a level of a belly button.
Guy thinks : *This aint that bad..standing in crap all day and smoking..you will get used to it and its not much of a torture than..*
So the Guy says : " I guess it is okay, ill stick here "

Satan : " As you wish. Step in and rot here for ever."

The guy walks in , takes some smokes and starts smoking.
As soon he light the ciggie an imp came throught the door.

Imp: " okay break over you slimes , continue sh*t eating"

Laughing

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 17:42    Post subject:  

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the M62. So I ease my car over to the hard shoulder of the road, carefully, get out of the car and open the boot. I took out 2 cardboard men,
unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a motorway patrol pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

Laughing

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 17:46    Post subject:  

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 18:18    Post subject:  


there you go, hope you know how to use it to make jokes.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 18:46    Post subject:  

Thread for jokes is a good idea.
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 22:10    Post subject:  

I was going to do some spider web writing and make a joke ~

I thought this was better.


(ps I can do most of these)

http://www.animatedknots.com/knotlist.php?LogoImage=LogoGrog.jpg&Website=www.animatedknots.com

.............................................................................................

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 10:13    Post subject:  

Dodgy female software
Warning to all computer users

I AM currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems.
Iíve been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it.
I hear that Drinking Buddies wonít crash if you minimise Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I canít find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works ok.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Karaokeware. Often trying to abort my Karaoke program with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0, He said I Probably didnít have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token ring upgrade to run properly. He was right As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and a thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0, this time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked ok for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasnít completely uninstalled! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0. Both versions communicated with each other in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but like all versions, there are still some problems, The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I canít understand, much less reprogram
And Iíve never liked how Girlfriend is totally object-oriented, A year a go, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0 which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you donít upgrade to Fiancťe 1.0 so he did.
Soon after that, he had to upgraded to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a hugh resource hog It has taken up all his space, so he canít load anything else.
One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0.
Well it now turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex ( particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try )

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. In addition, although he did not ask for it Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-law 1.0. which has an automatic popup feature he canít disable. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, then Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 wonít install anyway, due to insufficient resources.
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 14:21    Post subject:  

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

------------------------------------------------------------

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 23:21    Post subject:  

haha
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 05:39    Post subject: The Welfare Office  

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it."

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 05:41    Post subject: Why It's Important To Understand English  

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line.
Just one lady in front of me... an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated...
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".


The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 14:22    Post subject:  

Lol at the first joke Razz n1
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 18:54    Post subject:  

Fido wheres my daily joke? Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Razz
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 20:33    Post subject:  

StonedCabbage wrote:
Fido wheres my daily joke? Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Razz


Haha Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 22:36    Post subject:  

I have been away for a few days Stoned so here is one you might like.
I expect I might have to explain it to those nor au fait with working class British cuisene.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade,killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He
hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brlliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

.........................................................................................

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 07:48    Post subject: LETTER FROM MANAGEMENT  

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Management

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 07:54    Post subject: bra sizes?  

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enorm ou s!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 07:56    Post subject: What Religion is Your Bra?  

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.

' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. ...

The Catholic type
supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.'


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 17:13    Post subject:  

Jock is driving home late one night when 'BANG' he kills a deer.
Now, not wanting to be wastefull of such a good piece of 'roadkill', he puts in the boot thinking it would make some good eating.

Anyway, Sunday Lunch comes around and he serves a very large roast for the family to eat.

Little Johnny tucks in and, as soon as he tastes the meat, asks "What's THIS!".
Jock, not wanting to upset his kids (Bambi and all that) says "The meat has the same name as the one your mother sometimes uses for me"

"WHOAH" say Johnny, "I'm not eating any f*ck*ng *rs*hole"

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 19:18    Post subject:  

Lmao XD nice jokes XD
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 03:39    Post subject:  

Investment tips for 2009


With all the turmoil in the market today, the collapse of Lehman Bros and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the upcoming expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

---------------------------------------------------------------------

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 06:50    Post subject: Bats & Balls  

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again
cheered, "RUN, RUN!"

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk"
and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back
down.

A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained,
"He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 06:52    Post subject: Newfoundland beaches  

Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.

'It's deem big baggy swimming trunks, my son.
Dey're years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of
Speedos - about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye, man...ye 'll have all de babes ye wants !'

The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bob went back to George the lifeguard and and asked him, 'What's wrong now? '

'Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!' said George, ' the potato goes in the front!!'


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:36    Post subject:  

lol Cool
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Zog Ecosse


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 17:53    Post subject:  

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said "no, I'm your sonís maths teacher."

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exfido

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 06:30    Post subject: BROCCOLI CASSEROLE  

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Tippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Tippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Tippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

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exfido

Joined: 04 Jun 2008
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Location: Timmins Ontario
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Age: 58

PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 06:37    Post subject: Black Testicles  

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '


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StonedCabbage
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 18:12    Post subject:  

haha that put a smile on ma face for the afternoon Razz
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